Hello world!
Okay this is going to be a really long post I guess, because I'm just feeling so sad that I want to pen down everything that's been going on. Idk just bathing made me feel like there's so much that I want to talk, I just wish there'll be someone who doesn't know me, who would sit here and listen to me talk, and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I just need reassurance from someone that life is going to be ok, life is going to be easy. I am just so sad now, thinking about all that has went on in my life, about everything. I don't even know where I'm going to start. Just somewhere random I suppose. Stupid dog that keeps peeing at the hardest to clean place - beneath the balcony door rails. Can't you just learn to pee in your pee tray or somewhere that is easier to clean? Imagine coming home so late and you just look at the pee, and thinking about how it is going to smell the whole night, or even the whole day, if it is not cleaned well. Otherwise, he's quite cute and fun to just look at, seeing him walk around and doing stupid things, being scared, being happy, looking worried when he looks at us. Everything is just so adorable about him hahaha ok just let me put it out here, my complaints are not going to be logical and its just going to be one chunk of mess. It is also not ranked by importance. Life when I was much younger was so plain, so simple. Living in a big two storey maisonette that everyone in school seems envious of, and think that I'm relatively richer, when in fact their parents drive cars, work in office jobs, while my father just drive a truck, working as a technician. Life in pri sch isn't filled with people comparing, most people are just poor or that we don't even care. Going to school, meeting friends, playing with friends, going home for dinner, playing computer games all day long, life was so much fun. What worries did I have? Maybe worried that my mum will stop me from playing computer games? Upset that I don't get the avatar I get in game? Even though I wasn't the best in games, it was still fun, with all that friends that I got to hang out with, life was fun. Was I upset relationship wise? Probably hahaha looking at people chasing girls, getting together with girls, but it probably was nothing much. Nothing to worry about financially, just don't get to spend as much as the rich kids. I mean I even got to meet online friends, which seems to be so scary in the past, especially for a 11 year old kid hahaha Then childhood moved on, everything changed. My mum changed, so much. Something that is very concerning, something that affects me alot. Not that I would mention this to anyone, but there's really nothing much I can say about it right? I'll mostly feel a tinge when people talk about their mothers, people compare about what their mothers do for them, or just having a plan to treat their mothers better like bring them to nice food places when they start earning money, or even travel. Some people complain about their mums doing things that they don't like, heck you at least have a mother who cares. Ok maybe not so simple, they probably have it hard. You won't know how good they are until they're gone. Is my mum gone yet? Not really but her soul is barely here isn't it? Not being able to recognise anyone, do things on her own, what more is life other than breathing? It's really sad just looking at her like this, not knowing anything. But life is so much more than this I guess. Life is so unpredictable and you just can't look at her and be stuck in it. Life still goes on even after she forgets me, she's still my mum but I have to admit that I barely think she's still around by my side anymore. No mum to care for me, to cook, to help me with things, to remind me to do things, to gossip, to comment, for me to learn from, none at all. What about my school work? What do I want to do in life? These are also very concerning topics for me. Will I discover what I like? I like to do random things, I like to just do things I want, but yeah life or jobs dont really work this way. I'll have to be passionate in something and that somebody wants me. I'm really just not interested in anything. I always thought I'll find something I like through these few years of uni, but nah seems like it doesn't happen. Maybe I'll end up not working comp sci related, earn little, never know. And then again, relationship. It's really not helping that I'm having mid life crisis now? Everything changed this year. Thought I found someone to spend my life with, forever, together, but yeah its all over? There's really nothing to complain about also right? I mean I probably wouldn't like myself too. Like really, who would just like a lazy bum, who has no aspirations, don't put in full effort in work, and just has some small goals of doing what he likes - playing cars? At least I thought I had more - like existing to make someone's life happy? You know I always wondered, how much do I make you happy / sad? Did I make you happy more than I make you sad? I barely remember the times when you were really happy, really appreciative of things I did. Mostly its just how I didn't do certain things, things that you don't like, you kicking up a fuss, me living with it and doing things to make you happy. Sometimes I just feel so helpless. Like I really really do feel helpless. I really feel like jumping off the building and pew ending it all. I mean I can stop and think, think about what my life would've been if I didn't die, but what? I seem to be just trapped here in your crutches/clutches. What's in life for me? Not saying that I shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes or things that I did, but what? Do I really still have to do all these when we're not together? Is this the kind of expectation that you have for your friends? I guess to me its like, yeah I'm quite used to it, it used to really be this way in the past, but it would make me wonder, wait we're already not together. Why am I still doing all these? I can't stand you being upset, you being unhappy, but do I really need to feel this way as a friend? Should you be dealing with your own unhappiness, or should I be making up for them? Ah and you already hate me this much, what's abit more really? I guess these few years together just made you hate me alot. Are there things that I do that make you happier than the hatred I caused? Actually tbh I think you collect too much hatred. Yeah you're just being you but its probably not good for you or everyone around you. It is tough. Or maybe I'm just really different. I'm too lazy to be angry or pissed maybe? Or is it that I'm too easy? Yes I commonly make mistakes, I just suck. Ok now I'm really spiraling down myself about how much I suck, how lousy I am. If you were right here beside me, and if you're not angry at me, I'm pretty sure you'll tell me no and how good I am, how much I would make you happy, how useful I can be. But nah, you're angry, you're tired and you're off to bed already. I really just wish someone can be here beside me, listening to me, love me hard, really really hard. Someone who understands me, someone who won't expect so much from me, someone just like me. Life can be easy and I want it to be. Oh its too boring for you if life is easy? Really pls too bad pls. I wish everything can be easier, maybe it will really be easier with just me me me me me me me and no one else. Or if there's someone else, someone who would tell me outrightly whats important, what matters, nothing for me to think hard. If something affects you, just tell me. I mean, if something I do affects you, or something is so important that you wouldn't want to miss, tell me. TELL ME. Not blame me when its gone. Pls just tell me. Idk how many times I want to repeat this but tell me!!!! Yeah if only you tell me enough, we wouldn't be like this. But then yup, it is just like this now. How else would you want to experience someone caring for you right? That's your love language, and it really doesn't match my behaviour/attitude/smartness, and thats why we cant be together. Wait, then what about mine? I mean now we're looking at what would make you like that person right? Me? Idk about me. I guess I'm too easy. My expectations are really low actually. As long as you don't give me problems, I'll really be happy. Even if you give me problems, I think I'll still be ok with you, I'll manage it. Let me do what I want, do what I like maybe hahahaha give me face maybe. All these probably matters to me but I just don't know it? Yeah you probably know what matters for me, because you know me best. The same like how you know what works on me, how to threaten me. I like to be told clearly what to do, but you don't seem to like that. And you would scold/blame me when I do things wrongly. That is so so so sad. Our relationship failed on communication, and its not getting any better with this now. Heck I just don't like to think and worry, please stop making me do this.... but yes yes yes I don't have a choice. Okay I have poured out quite a bit about how I feel and I'm starting to get tired now. I still wish someone would just come around and just guide me in life and stay with me through it all. It really isn't easy finding someone you love. It's not easy meeting someone. I have to admit, most times idk what you want, and I still don't know it. Maybe I'm just dense. I wish you'll still be here in my life, minus all the problems hahahaha that's abit far fetched but yeah not gonna happen. You don't even like me anymore. Life still sucks, I'm mostly still depressed ok maybe today. I was ok the past few days whenever you're not angry/upset. It just sucks to see you like that. If you read this, maybe you can come to me and just hug me and just tell me 'thank you for writing that blog post, I understand how you feel so well and I love you and I'm going to treat you every way you want to be treated now' hahahahahaha wishful thinking I have here but yeah it would be good if anyone (no need to be you la) just tell me this and tell me I can be selfish this way. One more selfish request / wishful thinking - and that it stays this way forever.
Beh
