Sorry

Hello world

Sorry for not blogging for the past few days, past many days in fact.. I was really busy with school even though I had planned to S/U everything this semester. Somehow I just feel so overwhelmed this semester and has so much projects to do, so much work to do. Even though I don't feel like doing any of the work, I still have to do them because they are group projects, and I should just be a responsible teammate. I feel so overwhelmed right now as well, sometimes I just feel so useless and worthless that I feel like I should just jump down and end it all. But I think I can control my stress and just go on with life. After all, life is going to be stressful no matter which stage it is. Hopefully it will all be over soon. Sometimes we are happy and sometimes we are desperate / overwhelmed and feel like dying, but life still goes on. What will people remember me by? That was like a question that I was asked to present during career readiness two weeks ago. I said some bullshit about how I would want people to remember me as someone who keeps his promises, but I guess nobody will even remember me. Not saying that its not a good thing to keep my promise, but I don't think I can keep my own promise to myself that I had enough and I will end my life? Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to, especially when you are angry, or when you just stopped being angry. By telling you how I feel, it is as good as telling you that I care so much more about myself than you, and things just don't turn out well after that. Sometimes I just go to sleep crying. Sometimes I wake up crying but not for a bad reason - like I just remember how my mum was like before she got dementia, how my grandmother would give me her pork ribs and ate only porridge, those were the happy days when I was a kid, I will never be able to experience all this again. Sometimes I just feel so sad like right now. What can I do? Nothing else I suppose. I guess no one understands how I feel right now. At least thinking about all these can stop me from thinking about how you don't care about me at times, how you think I'm useless and lazy and a fucking fat loser. I know you don't mean them, you say them when you're angry? But they hurt. They really really really hurt. They really get me thinking how useless I am. I don't know if I want to die to make you regret your words, or if I want to die because I feel desperate and useless, I really don't know. I hate how you don't want me to tell you all these things when I'm sad and feel like dying. You just treat them as a 'threat'. How else should I say how I feel? I'm sorry that you think I'm not good enough, that I'm not doing enough. I admit that I am lazy most of the time. But I would say that I help you wholeheartedly. Sorry that they mean nothing to you when they don't meet your expectations. Not being sarcastic but sorry for not being good enough. Idk if it is your moodswings now, how you feel I am useless, but some things that you type just don't flow. I don't understand what you want sometimes and you think I'm not paying attention / care / want to help you. When I ask, you get even more pissed off. I'm really tired now and I guess I'll feel much better after I wake up tomorrow. I don't think one day I'll really die though, like I don't even dare to cut myself (but cutting myself is something that I see no point in), like at least by dying, everything will be over right? Oh idk what I get by punching the table though, I guess its a way to vent my anger? Goodnight.

Beh